Training for my future

Being a student in the MSFT program is convicting, eye-opening and challenging on SOOO many levels.
This past week we had to look at ourselves and unravel the pieces of us which might hinder our effectiveness as Marriage and Family Therapists.
I asked my family specifically about some of the areas I need to grow in. I would not suggest doing this unless you are ready for brutal truth.
I heard words that did not surprise me. In fact, I may have planted some of the seeds myself by asking questions about my own behavior which prompted a universal swell of agreement and head nodding. So, here is what we came up with...
I am a bit controlling.
Yeah, all those who know me personally are snickering and nodding. This one is not a big surprise. I do come from a long line of perfectionists. I am a first born. I married a first-born. I like order, routine and predictability. So, I struggle a bit with controlling.
Another area may be my opinions. I tend to give them freely without permission. This is not necessarily always evil but it certainly can be less then helpful at times.
So, I have decided to work on training out some of this in my spirit. I have tried to come up with some guidelines to break me of some of my incessant domineering tendencies.
One of the special curse breaker methods (designed by my family) is to fly the "Napoleon Dynamite dove hands in my direction to cue me of my bossiness/manipulating/controlling behavior. They also thought it would be helpful to say, "Jaberwocky" to me. I am trying to receive this correction with humility and grace but sometimes when a 14yr. old starts flying his hands in your face it sparks up the quick need to dope slap him in the side of the head.
I am pretty sure this is NOT part of the training process. Somehow, I do believe that receiving the correction is half of the training practice. So, I will try to fight the urge to respond in my flesh and allow the dove to motivate me to change.
The opinion thing.....as a mother is not easy to curtail. They (the wee ones) truly need the wealth of information and advice that I have been put here to dole out. So, that one is more designed for my interaction with other adults. My goal is to wait to be asked my thoughts instead of just offering them willy nilly whenever I fell lead. Again, NOT easy.
Funny little sidebar to all this, my theory about my upbringing contributing to my nature....
My mom was in town last week when I had class. She was aware that my class ended late and she knew exactly when I should arrive home. After class, some ladies and I stood around in the parking lot and did a little post-game wrap up of the day. I texted my husband to let him know I was safe but running late. About a half hour later my phone rang. It was NOT my husband looking for me, but my MOTHER!!
"Where are you? Aren't you supposed to be home by now? It is really, late. You should be getting home soon. It is never a good idea to stand around in an empty parking lot. When should I expect you??"
Yes, I am 42 years old and Yes, this is the exact conversation we had when I was 18! It is as if I have never aged.
My friends laughed and I chalked it up to mom not getting trained out of her stuff.
See now why I must do this?? It isn't just for me, but for my kids too!

True Confession

So, this week in class we discussed positive and negative sentiment.
We were responsible for identifying someone or something that we have negative sentiment about. This is what prompts my special photo.
I am not always fond of perfect people. I seem to believe that all people who look like Ken and Barbie are full of crap. That they basically have something major they are trying to hide and that they spend most of their energy and resources trying to cover it up by being "perfect."
This attitude of mine is far from therapist-like. I must instead adopt a curiosity and interest in this "perfect" person and come up with questions that would help me be interested in finding out more. I must decide to invest in the process of looking deeper into the heart and person behind the persona.
This is something I have done on occasion. I don't ALWAYS shun and dismiss the pretty people. But if I do get honest and look into my spirit I judge people on sincerity and authenticity. These are values I hold higher then appearance. Unfortunately, there are beautiful, seemingly altogether people who also do have very genuine hearts and sweet outward focused dispositions.
So, part of the challenge for the week is to identify 2 ways to train into change how I relate to this kind of person. (This is one of the assignments for class this week.)
We talk a lot about training vs. trying in class. I love this principle. I think it makes a lot of sense. But thinking practically about training in the area of relational development is tricky. How can I train change in my spirit toward the perfect people?
One thing I can do is take more risks. Approach them more often. Train myself to initiate coffee or some other conversational opportunity to get to know the true person.
I have memorized a verse before that says, "Man looks at outward appearance and God looks at the heart." I can spend more time meditating on that thought and remembering that I only see one dimension of every person. There is much more beneath the surface and I must be willing to be interested in finding it.
I know this won't be an easy exercise but I love that this process is causing me to comb through my own stuff and face my own biases.
If you have any other training ideas for my process, shoot 'em my way. I am open to growth or I wouldn't be doing this.



Disclaimer***I just reread this and I sound like such judgemental bitty. I am trying to be honest. I do not hate people who are gifted in beauty, please don't get me wrong. Some people just air on the "life is always perfect, things never go wrong, I am pretty, my kids are pretty, my house is pretty, Isn't life grand all the time??" This is the person that I am referring to. Either way, it is a sincere confession, not one that I am proud of...I am responsible for unearthing this stuff in class and since this is my authentic life I am dumping it out here for you too.

Quick note

First up, I do not speak in rhymes often and honestly, I have no explanation for why that last post ended up in a sing song verse. Weird, out of body experience? I am not sure.

Secondly, my daughter informed me as she was eating her off brand yogurt in a tube that it was not very good.

"Mom, this is not good at all. It is made with yogurt NOT GOGURT!"

Okay, so branding is getting the best of my family.

Today is school for me. I am off to learn all about emotional states and attachment theory. It is quite fascinating.

I will confess that currently we are doing mock sessions with a couple of students being the clients and one of us being the therapist.

I suck. If this is any indicator of the things to come I will be a very poor and lonely therapist. I cannot explain how hard it is to listen with intention and thoughtfully try to imagine where both the clients are coming from.

First lesson seems simple...learn to be a L.U.V.E.R
Listen, Understand, Validate, Empathize, Repeat.
Sounds simple, huh?
Try it at home and get back to me. This is so much harder then it sounds.

This time a RAVE!

I have recovered from the hair rant. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I do appreciate them all. Thought I would counter the Rant with a Rave...this one is for ALMA.

Alma is the elderly woman who gracefully masters the check-out line at my local Wal-Mart Super Center. She has single-handedly restored my hope for getting in and out of that place in under an hour. I should back up a bit and tell you how I fell in love with this sweet woman.

I met her nearly a year ago in the wee hours of the morning when I was obsessed with trying to beat the crazy Wal-Mart system and go to the store when I believed it to be less traveled. Was I ever wrong. Wal-Mart is really busy all the time. Just because my watch said 6:15am did not mean smooth and easy check out. No, still the line. Still the one checker. But, alas....this was no ordinary checker. (Music fades in....up comes ALMA's angelic face.) It was Alma.

This dear woman smiled and meticulously began her magic. She lifted and scanned with ease and wonder. She showed no signs of confusion or dismay over weighted items and codes. She knew exactly how to sack with all colds together and breads set apart. This woman seemed to flow with an ingenious competency not known to human hands. I watched in awe as customers were filing away in expediant manners and with pleasant dispositions. Before I knew it I was at the front of the line falling into her spell. Her proficient wizardry had me mesmerized. (It was early so it didn't take that much...but still!) She was good. Like no other I had ever observed. She did not dawdle, slump or complain, she did not frown or moan or call out for a price check. Her masterful hands moved with such competency and flair. It was then, that moment, that I found my love. My joy. My new friend. My Wal-Mart girl.

I knew it that day and kept it to myself, leaving the store a new woman. One with restored hope in the big box store with the low, low prices. Maybe they do care, maybe they do want me to return...they did hire ALMA. That has got to say something, right? I felt spring in my step as I left that day. Hopeful for my return, it is getting better here. Wal-Mart does care.

So, I think I may have been too optimistic as I returned a half dozen times in between and met the fate of my not so distant past, with the cruddy checkers who don't give a flip and they seemed to find me and ask me to be in their lines and I would wait and grow helpless and hopeless for her....until...

Last week I saw her again. She was down in lane twentysomething...so far away. My eyes scanned for short lines and somehow she was there. The sweet little woman with the gray tinted hair....I caught myself moving a brisk sort of pace. It wasn't too pretty, it wasn't a race, but I needed to see her to tell of my story how she is the reason I put up with this gory experience of pain and of suffering so real. But once I got to her lane my head was a flutter, she cast her kind spell and she started scanning my butter.

I couldn't contain my joy or affection ..."Alma, you dear one, do you feel our connection? Your technique is amazing your style perfection. I look for you always and hope you are here. When I see you are checking I run toward you and silently cheer!

I could tell she was flattered and taken aback as the bagger beside her giggled and laughed. I know checkers aren't celebs or famous or not...but ALMA to me is massively HOT>!

We closed down our time with a simple request, "Alma, tell me your schedule, I really must ask."

"I'm here on most days from 6-3." She smiled to herself and winked back at me.

So today is the day that I say with a Cheer, Give it up for ALMA and all who are dear! Tell them aloud, face to face, speak clear, be direct, that you value you and love them and give them respect.

Quick Rant....

Yeah, It isn't nice to finally resurface with a big fat rant but I have to purge my spirit.
Just got my gumption up to chop all my hair off for a cute sassy bob. I know, it is practically out of style by now but I love the way they look. I have secretly wanted that Posh cut for quite a long time now.
The thought of giving up my ponytail for the summer was just unbearable. I am addicted to the ease of yanking it up without any thought. I love that it requires no work, it can be wet, it can be dry. The pony has been faithful. I appreciate that. I just needed a new look.
So, a bob it was! I looked online and found some styles that weren't as drastic as Posh. Still angled a bit but longer and more tolerable for my departure from the pony. So, like any good client, I offered pictures and communicated to the best of my ability how important it was to me to keep the front long. As long as possible and then angle the sides to a shorter back. Not crazy short. Shorter.
My sweet stylist of way too many years pointed out some layering on my sides that may not look good long.
I appreciated the perspective but assured him i wanted to see it long and then slice it back if it did indeed look ridiculous.
So, what did he do?
YES~! He went ahead and cut it off right at my chin. Exactly shorter then I had just requested and then bobbed it pretty much straight across the sides.
As I watched in wonder, my blood began to boil and my hand began to shake. I had just given this man my long locks to work with here. He had plenty of hair to keep it long in front. Yes, it may have looked stupid but who is the ultimate JUDGE...it is ME!!
Oh, this man...whom I have loved for years now...took advantage of his position and gave me a darling mom bob. Yes, it is the simple straight conservative, darling mom bob but I wanted the long front, angled poshish bob. This man just stole my only chance and now what am i supposed to do?
So, as he handed me the mirror to see the sides that showed no angle and looked much like the exact bob I had in 1993, I lost it.
I spat through clenched teeth, "This is NOT longer in front!!"
"Well, you had too many layers, it didn't look good," he replied.
"Who got to decide that?? I have been sitting here the whole time. I asked for longer in FRONT!! I had long hair...there is no angle."
He quickly deduced my frustration and began to repair to the best of his ability. In his haste he cut into the tip of one of his fingers and began explaining how it could not work the other way. He also began soliciting support from the next lucky client to talk me off the ledge.
How is it that something as menial as hair can throw me into a complete frenzy? I wanted to choke the man. Seriously, choke him.
I think there is somehting about him pushing his agenda on my hair. He feels like he knows how I should look and honestly, I believe this is a look he has done on me before. I hate to say it, but we may have to break up. I don't know how to do that because he has been such a faithful stylist for so many years. In fact, he was even asking me that day if I ever had a bad haircut from him.
IRONIC? Well, no.
It is still a good haircut. Just not the one i asked for!!