Here's gambling on a great New Year!!

I have a secret. I love to gamble.


Yeah, that isn't something I advertise. In fact, I am not all that proud of it. I began my little relationship playing the odds back on my honeymoon when my husband gave me 20$ to shoot on the slot machines.


Well, you guessed it. I hit a couple of winners and now 20 years later, I still wanna win. I will confess right now that this little hobby is NOT one that interferes in my financial portfolio. In fact, I rarely feed the fire. My father was borderline addicted to the boats which left a pretty sour taste in my mouth. So, I am not one to allow the games of chance too much opportunity in my life. I know myself well enough to know I could get addicted in the same way as my father.


This shot was taken after putting 7$ in a machine and winning 87$. It was a nickel machine and I played for nearly an hour; which was the perfect amount of time to hit a few sevens, hear the machine alarm and feel my adrenaline pumping. I am not addicted to losing money. So, with the small margin of profit I quickly closed down my machine and took the money and ran. Yea! I am a big gambler.

I would like to win more. Wisely though, I am not about to spend anymore money on silly slot machines. My once a year itch has been scratched and I am good for another 12 months or so.

It does make me think about life and the gambles we take every year. I am imagining this school endeavor to be a big gamble for our family. We are pouring out a lot of cash and rolling the dice on a career choice for me that may or may not pan out.

We are gambling on our parenting skills and the way we are raising up our children. We are now entering into the fruit bearing season where we will actually see if our offspring have benefited or learned anything in our homes.

We are at the stage where we regularly gamble with our lives as our 14 yr. old is learning how to drive. This is a high-stakes adventure as he is still very new to managing a vehicle. I am often afraid.

I know that the risk and adventure and fun involved in the slot machine is really masking the fear of losing it all. I catch myself rationalizing and manipulating my mind to let it be "OK" to lose money so carelessly.

I think this is what I do with the other frightening things in my life. I mask them and cover them and repackage them to let them be manageable and livable and "OK". When in reality, the pee is dripping down my leg and I am petrified and nervous and afraid.

AND excited and hopeful and interested and curious. I think that is what gambling does to us. It somehow makes you think you may have a chance and without a chance wouldn't we just give up altogether?

So, this year is another gamble. It is a risk to step out and try new things. Look in the unexpected places for newness and hope. I even think that is what this blog thing is about for me. It is risky to put myself out here. I don't even know who reads this silly thing and honestly, it is OK. I am good.

I am ready to plop down more this year. Maybe the stakes will be even higher. Maybe I will dig deeper and find more about myself, my expectations, my flaws. Maybe I will grow and be changed and be open and transform.

I am betting I do. I am praying the same for you.

Post Christmas thoughts...

Good grief it has been forever since I have posted an entry here! I must confess I have written many and they remain in the drafts pile. I don't feel very articulate these days. Maybe it is because I recently took my brain age on one of the kids DS games and learned that I am only using 8% of my noggin. My son tried to make me feel better by telling me that the game purposely scores you low so you have something to improve on. This did not make me feel any better.

I have yanked down the Christmas tree and cleaned up most of the festive decor in hopes of restoring some level of order back into the home. I am listening to my 7 yr.old daughter sing Dead or Alive with her brothers pounding the drum and guitar to Rock Band. I think this may have been disturbing to me if my first born would've attempted this activity at the same age. I would've felt the lyrics would have manipulated his heart into a ball of hate and disdain and perhaps even led him down a path of evil and corruption. Today I think it is precious that my three children can bond over a silly game and enjoy each others company. I tried to creatively work out the lyric issue by singing my own lyrics instead of the questionable ones in hopes that the children would follow suit and just hum or sing doo's and dah's instead...not sure it will be a popular choice for them. At least they like each other enough that they can play together. I like that.

I feel like I am just now coming down from my sugar high. I cannot believe the unabandoned fury in which I ingested sugar this week. My aunt always brings a giant chocolate sheet cake to our normal celebration and I feel confident that a quarter of it ended up shoved into my piehole. What the heck is that about? Yuck. I am glad the sugar is gone.

I am glad the purchasing is over. I am glad the gifts are put away. I am thankful that the house is relatively quiet and the kids are happy and the year is wrapping up and I am done with school for a couple of weeks. Deep breath in and big exhale out. Life is good. Yes, life is very, very good.

Big day!

Guess who is starting therapy today??
It's me! It's me.
Yeah, I will be the client today. I found out that the other counseling school in town works a trade off for the students. You can attend the other schools counseling center for $5 a session. I thought this would be a wise move for me. I believe the best way I can offer any support or encouragement for someone else is to first consider what business I need to attend to in my own life. Makes sense.
So today in the middle of the most hectic season ever I will take a time out and begin to unravel my soul to a stranger. A possible young student stranger. A therapist that is in training. fun, huh?
I have come to believe that I can learn something from everyone and anyone. Today I get the opportunity to live it out.
I don't really have time for therapy. I am trying to get out of town on Sunday morning for a week long trip with my husband. (This is his move to celebrate our 20th anniversary! I would never have picked December...but ???) I have a giant family history paper due before I leave. I am trying to get my Christmas crud purchased, put out, organized, wrapped, mailed, etc. This is kind of a nightmare. So, let me take a minute to blog about it!
I think this therapeutic window in my life is one that will eventually pay off ten fold. Won't it be helpful to realize all my nasty business before I begin trying to help others through theirs in just 4 months? I say YES.
In fact, the more I have opportunity to gaze into the world of my own upbringing, history and life, the more I am convinced this is beautiful. What a gift to have this window of exposure and revelation at the half way point in my life. I feel like it such the hand of God, gifting me this time to learn about myself and to make adjustments and tweaks and changes. None of this would be happening if I didn't choose to quit my job and head back to school. I know that God is pushing me to examine the pieces of me and see where He can have more room in my life. He is challenging me to lay it all before Him. I believe the therapy window is really the confession booth for me to say outloud what I have been holding to myself and allowing room to fester and manifest in ways that may not be so healthy or beneficial to me or my family.
I am looking forward to today with expectancy. I look forward today with readiness that this is all about sifting and combing through the pieces of me that need to be refined and reshaped and reconsidered.
I highly suspect this will not be a fun experience. From what I know, most growth opportunities are not all that fun. We will see! I can't wait to find out who my therapist is!
What does it say about me if I hope she is over the age of 22? See, I do have issues. I am already trying to control my session!! I need a lot of help!! This is going to be a long process.

A bit about my journey

I want to blog today. I really don't have time. I feel like I never have time and yet this is really about me vomiting my heart and if that is the case I should not think about it, I should just do it and release it and not think about if it is grammatically correct or if some random reader should get a hold of it and put some sort of judgement on me or my content so today...I am just dumping. No filter. No prettiness, just release.
I feel like I have a ton to get off my chest. I have this crazy school paper I am working on that is all about my transformative journey thus far. It is supposed to reflect where I think I am in the growth process. Growth is not a quick easy thing to measure. Unless we are taking size and that one is not really going to be addressed on this site. I am not going there. Internal, heart, life-changing growth...that is the stuff this paper is supposed to be made of.
When was the last time you thought about your own growth? How you are changing, developing, becoming a different person....through your circumstances, your interactions, your experiences, your friendships, your family...the word of God or whatever religious lens you use...isn't this an interesting thought???
I have really been unraveling it. It is kinda scary to consider growth in your life. What if there is no growth? What if I am standing here in my 43 year of existence and I am not really developing into the person I would have dreamed becoming? The kind of person I am glad to wake up and be every single day?? What if I don't really like what is becoming me?
I think this would be when I would start to do a lot of plastic surgery, look for a some "things" to begin to fill my life and make me "feel" better about this lack of being content with myself. ( Another term for this may be: Mid life crisis.)
Thankfully, I feel peace about the very imperfect process I am in to become the best version of me I can be. I am grateful to be in a relationship with the author and perfector of my faith who pours out graciously His undying mercy and acceptance of me and for me. This hope is really the confidence I have that is okay to suck. To not be all the things I had wished and wanted and dreamed of becoming and that I am exactly in the place He knew I would be and He is exactly at work in making me become the woman He exacted me to become and I really am okay.
I like the fact that today I am giving myself a break and recognizing that I do not have all my poop in a group. That I am very self-centered, egotistical and vain. I am confident that I have a lot of different pieces of me that like to shield this ugliness and pretty myself up and pretend that it is all good but ultimately, it isn't. I am good with that.
I am good with the fact that I am not going to be perfect this side of heaven and I can work hard and try a ton but it is all for nothing.
Ultimately, I must rest with the confidence that even with all these nasty pieces of me there is some really good stuff in there too. I am honest. I like being transparent. I am glad I can see myself with my imperfections and that I am not trying to live this covert life of inauthenticity.
I love that I ultimately have a redeemer and a hope.
I love that I am going to get the privilege of walking with other people through their seasons of evaluation and self-examination. I love that I am going to understand what it feels like to dig in and not necessarily love everything I see. I am grateful for this season to see that ways that despite my imperfections I have hope. I have confidence in my purpose. I am grateful for a Savior that sees me and adores me and accepts me.
I pray for wisdom to lovingly encourage others who walk their journey without that hope and without that assurance. Today I recognize the enormity of being with people in process and I am humbled and afraid. I alone have nothing to offer another. I am equally as desperate and equally as broken.
I have a long way ahead of me on this journey.....but today I am thankful.

Internship fun

Next week we meet the different facilities that offer internships for our clinicals that start in April. So, I have to put together my resume and spiff up my pointy shoes and get ready to do some glad handing!
This little placement fair will be the first exposure we as a class have to potential facilities we can serve for our internship. Did I mention we need 500 clinical hours to graduate?
I got panicked this week. Thought I was going to have a mini anxiety attack thinking that I am going to be face to face with clients in less then 5 months. Doesn't this seem early? I am still so green! So inexperienced. So lame-o.
I asked my professor for a teacher-student conference. Thought they should give us some feedback about our readiness for the therapeutic environment. My professor laughed. He thought I needed to live in my anxiety, not worry so much and practice coping and soothing.
This seems cruel and hateful. Do they really want us to SUCK? Cause that is what I feel like I am being set up to do, SUCK!
There are multiple places for us to commit to serving for our internships. I could head to the jail and work with the various felons and criminals there. The word on the street is you always get your hours there. As opposed to some of the other private sector sites that have a tendency to cancel appointments and blow you off. The jail is always a sure thing.
We can work in a battered women's shelter, a place that works with grieving children and their parents, or even a church. I am really interested in stepping out of my familiar route and pressing into a place that is uncomfortable and yicky. I am considering one of the group situations that work with sexual offenders. This would not be pretty or anything that I would want to do long term but I think it would press me beyond my limits. I think I need that. If I am ever going to be exposed to that sort of thing, may as well be now.
Who knows where I will be placed. All I do know is I have to pull together my resume this weekend. How exciting is that? I wonder if I need to include something unique to qualify me to work with the "special" felon population. Do you think being married to an adult juvenile delinquent will qualify me?
He was the guy that tried to steal radar detectors out of police cars in high school. He and his friends used to roll smoke bombs into the fire station garage. They also trashed a golf course by driving the carts into the lake and four wheeling through most of the grounds. You know, once he started dating me, it all ended for him. Appears as if I have some experience with rehab so maybe I should include that in my resume, huh?

Happy Voting and Happy Halloween!!

Today I made my second trip to the voting center to cast my early ballot. This time I actually got through the front door. Last stop had me rolling down my window in the parking lot and asking a gentleman about the line and he suggested I return later, giant wait.

So, I complied. I follow directions.

At least I thought I did, until I went to a different voting location. This time I followed the obvious yellow dots on the floor through the first room of chaos and upon exiting I got called out by an old friend. Now, the old friend happens to be the brother of my old boyfriend. Our families intersected for a season of life and it was like old times running into him in line. Which is why I jumped in front of him and begin talking nonstop. To catch up AND because I believed the line I was in merged with his. I did this without the slightest cause to question my decision. I chatted enjoying this election process more then any other of my recent past. We got a lot of good information shared in our 7 minutes in line together before I had to move through the various stations independent of him.

Now interestingly, I did begin to wonder why the two friends I entered the voting center with were no where to be seen. I did think it odd that my merge had moved me quickly through the process and my other cohorts were completely absent from my sight.

So, I pressed on happily casting my votes and thinking to myself what a pleasant experience this has been. Ending my session with ease, I took a seat by the front door and waited for my ride.

Well, while soaking in the sights from the front door vantage point I begin to see a trend of a line that appeared out of nowhere and headed into the direction that my room emptied out of right about the location of the merge. I couldn't figure where that line came from. So I asked the sweet volunteer sticker lady about this complexity.
"Where exactly does that line come from? Is there another entrance?" I inquired.

"No, that is the line that you take and swing through and come back up after exiting the first room!" She snidely huffed.

"Oh.." big pause....silence. I just realized the gravity of my merge. Yeah, I cut about 23 people in line including the guy friend from days gone by, without even knowing it. I sincerely believed that this was a merge situation. I did not see the yellow dots directing me through the mini maze. (which honestly was mini or I am sure a revolt would've broken out by the people standing in line!)
Yup, I got to basically smile, wave and bid the entire line I cut farewell as they exited the polls and I sat and waited for my ride who diligently stood in line instead of cutting to cast her vote!!
So, my friends...do not be the WITCH I was on Wednesday, take your turn to vote. (I had to figure out how to include something about a witch on this special holiday post!!)
PS. I did immediately call information to get the friend's phone number to apologize for the cutting business but both of the numbers listed were not in service! So, now I have to live with myself and the reality that he may go on believing I am nothing but a good for nothing line jumper! So much for following directions.

Wow, I have been gone a LONG time!! Doesn't seem that long until i look at the dates and then it is very obvious and very sad. So, in an effort to begin to catch up I will first begin with a few photos. I haven't posted any of those in awhile either and they will fill lots of space and make me "feel" like I am putting up a very noteworthy post. So, this is from the field trip with my daughter's class this past month. The day was overcast but the colors were still vibrant. I am planning on printing a few of these for some inspiration this winter when the gray days take over.

I have been learning lots in school this past month and have plenty to report. I hope to have the time to really reflect and adequately communicate the depth of my new found understanding. This season is such a fun new one in my life. Feel like daily I am being challenged to consider the ways that I will be encouraging clients. I have been significantly aware of the ways I am uninterested in changing. The hard habits I have formed and the cemented style I like to cling to them. These principles must be evaluated and reconsidered. I must be willing to overturn every piece of myself so that I might be more understanding and empathetic of those that sit before me in a therapeutic environment.

Is this ugly, uncomfy, scary and downright unnerving? Yes, dear ones, it is! It is no fun to look at the poop in your life and see how affectionate you are toward it. Why do I like to remain stubborn or short-tempered? Many people who seek counsel are stuck in their ways as well and if I am not clear about recognizing and attempting to move out of my own crudola then how in heavens name will I ever be able to encourage another? Pretty challenging stuff. It is good and nasty and yicky and fun to nestle up next to the places I fall short in life and repent and confess and turn away from and keep doing it, and keep recognizing it over and over and over and over and .....you get the picture.

This process makes me like myself a little more. Because at least I know I am working on it and not hiding it away and acting like it doesn't exist. Will I ever get done with this magical purging process? Unfortunately, not this side of heaven! Gee, that is uplifting. With that I must run and apologize to the child I just verbally accosted for interrupting me for the fifth time. Yes, I have a LONG way to go.