Test trauma

I just had the immense pleasure of taking an assessment class. I was trained in the special skills of diagnosing people with specific disorders out of this fantastically interesting 900+ page book called the Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental disorders. Can you hear my joy? This class was a bear.

Have you ever thought about the difference between hallucinations, illusions and delusions? Have you considered if you were in a panic, manic or major depressive episode? Curious about impulse disorders? Did you know there was a thing called a somatoform disorder? This one is interesting because basically the client is experiencing physical symptoms without any medical cause. Did you know there is a big difference between delirium, dementia and amnesia?

I cannot communicate the magnitude of information communicated through this course. I can however, report how poorly I tested over it.

Last week was our final. I studied faithfully for days. I made note cards. I had my husband quiz me. I studied with friends. I thought I was prepared. I needed to be prepared.

I got to the test with my pencils sharpened and in hand. I purposely avoided caffeine to not get too jacked up and add any extra anxiety to the event. The professor allotted 5 hours for the test. There were two parts included. One part was a diagnosing portion. It would require us to read scenarios and write out a 5 axis diagnosis for 5 out of the 8 different case studies. The second portion was a 90 question multiple choice. He had communicated that we would take the dx'ing portion first and then the multiple choice. As the test begins he asks if we would like to take a vote and switch around the order. The class divides out and by one or two votes they choose to switch the order of the test which immediately pushes my panic button. I am geared up to do it the opposite way. My breathing begins to change. I immediately begin to worry. I now begin to feel my heart rate increase. My brain gets foggy. I am slowly slipping into a place of fear. Not little fear, big fear.

I start the 90 multiple choice. I try to maintain clarity. I know this stuff. I can do this. Breath. Take your time. You have 5 freakin' hours. You can do this. You got this.
I trudge through the first 20 questions skipping a few. Slowing losing confidence. I hit definitions that are suddenly becoming confusing. My chest feels tight. I can't remember which one is which. I begin to cross the words. I feel tears well up. I can't do this. I cannot remember. I suck. What in the hell is wrong with me? I am totally NOT getting this.

I try to practice some deep breathing. I excuse myself to the bathroom. Then I walk outside; pace around the parking lots in a trance like state; use a lifeline and call my mom. Mom wanted to fix me. Remind me how smart I am. Give me some test taking strategies. I could not receive her words. In fact, they only fueled me more.

I try talking myself off the ledge. I let the freezing wind pelt my face and pray it will slap the sense back into me.

Where are my keys? I dig through my purse. I think to myself that maybe I am not in the right field. I may have to drop out tonight. Tears well again. I may not be able to do this. I keep digging through my purse, "Where are my frickin' keys?" Wind pushes the tears back down and the teeth chatter. I want an escape route. I want to quit. I want to leave. I do not want to take this "expletive " test. I am going to throw up. I suck. What about walking home? How long would that take me?

I am freezing my butt off out here. How long can I sit outside? I am wasting time out here. I need the extra time to finish the stupid test. How long can I stay out here? These shoes are not made for pacing through mist filled parking lots. I wonder if I could get hit by a car and they would excuse me from taking this test?

Get your *** back in there! This is a test...put it in perspective. Grow up. You are not in Junior High. Please. It is one class. So what if you don't get an A? Waa Waa. Get back in there and finish the son of a gun up and let's go home. Quit being a big baby.

I evaluate the scenario. Looks like acute worry and fear. Seems to be unexpected and situationally cued. The individual is associating onset with an internal or external situational trigger. Individual is presenting with palpitations; trembling and shaking; chest pain or discomfort; nausea; unsteadiness; fear of losing control. Looks to be a classic panic attack. Not enough criteria met to diagnosis a full panic disorder at this time. Should refer to a physician if continues. General Anxiety Disorder needs to be ruled out.

Maybe I did learn something after all.

New Season of Life....

It has been many weeks since I entered the presence of this space. I am not certain what has kept me from it, and honestly it doesn't matter. Today I reenter. I changed my picture to the lovely angel with folded hands. This represents my season of life today. A season of deep dependence and prayer.
I am approximately a week and a half from seeing clients. That is me, being a therapist. Uh, huh. I know what the world is thinking. How in the hades does this work exactly? Random girl gets 9 months of training and then they throw her in a room and expect her to be helpful. I am thinking the same thing. Hence, the praying angel.
I am petitioning the Lord to ready my spirit. To provide in ways that I would not know or understand. I get that this whole learning curve has to happen in the actual environment of the therapy room AND it seems pretty premature. I could use months more training and experience with modalities and theories. I know that being with people in pain and crisis is a lot more then brain information. It is going to require a lot of heart as well. Again, the angel.
My two best friends Fear and Anxiety would like to have their way with me and cause me a tremendous amount of wasted energy focusing on all the "what if's". I am deciding today that instead of letting those dear pals rule my life I am going with the angel. I am going to submit. I am going to trust. I am going to move in faith and believe that truly God has designed this season for me and all He wants from me is to trust Him.