I want to blog today. I really don't have time. I feel like I never have time and yet this is really about me vomiting my heart and if that is the case I should not think about it, I should just do it and release it and not think about if it is grammatically correct or if some random reader should get a hold of it and put some sort of judgement on me or my content so today...I am just dumping. No filter. No prettiness, just release.
I feel like I have a ton to get off my chest. I have this crazy school paper I am working on that is all about my transformative journey thus far. It is supposed to reflect where I think I am in the growth process. Growth is not a quick easy thing to measure. Unless we are taking size and that one is not really going to be addressed on this site. I am not going there. Internal, heart, life-changing growth...that is the stuff this paper is supposed to be made of.
When was the last time you thought about your own growth? How you are changing, developing, becoming a different person....through your circumstances, your interactions, your experiences, your friendships, your family...the word of God or whatever religious lens you use...isn't this an interesting thought???
I have really been unraveling it. It is kinda scary to consider growth in your life. What if there is no growth? What if I am standing here in my 43 year of existence and I am not really developing into the person I would have dreamed becoming? The kind of person I am glad to wake up and be every single day?? What if I don't really like what is becoming me?
I think this would be when I would start to do a lot of plastic surgery, look for a some "things" to begin to fill my life and make me "feel" better about this lack of being content with myself. ( Another term for this may be: Mid life crisis.)
Thankfully, I feel peace about the very imperfect process I am in to become the best version of me I can be. I am grateful to be in a relationship with the author and perfector of my faith who pours out graciously His undying mercy and acceptance of me and for me. This hope is really the confidence I have that is okay to suck. To not be all the things I had wished and wanted and dreamed of becoming and that I am exactly in the place He knew I would be and He is exactly at work in making me become the woman He exacted me to become and I really am okay.
I like the fact that today I am giving myself a break and recognizing that I do not have all my poop in a group. That I am very self-centered, egotistical and vain. I am confident that I have a lot of different pieces of me that like to shield this ugliness and pretty myself up and pretend that it is all good but ultimately, it isn't. I am good with that.
I am good with the fact that I am not going to be perfect this side of heaven and I can work hard and try a ton but it is all for nothing.
Ultimately, I must rest with the confidence that even with all these nasty pieces of me there is some really good stuff in there too. I am honest. I like being transparent. I am glad I can see myself with my imperfections and that I am not trying to live this covert life of inauthenticity.
I love that I ultimately have a redeemer and a hope.
I love that I am going to get the privilege of walking with other people through their seasons of evaluation and self-examination. I love that I am going to understand what it feels like to dig in and not necessarily love everything I see. I am grateful for this season to see that ways that despite my imperfections I have hope. I have confidence in my purpose. I am grateful for a Savior that sees me and adores me and accepts me.
I pray for wisdom to lovingly encourage others who walk their journey without that hope and without that assurance. Today I recognize the enormity of being with people in process and I am humbled and afraid. I alone have nothing to offer another. I am equally as desperate and equally as broken.
I have a long way ahead of me on this journey.....but today I am thankful.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Internship fun
Next week we meet the different facilities that offer internships for our clinicals that start in April. So, I have to put together my resume and spiff up my pointy shoes and get ready to do some glad handing!
This little placement fair will be the first exposure we as a class have to potential facilities we can serve for our internship. Did I mention we need 500 clinical hours to graduate?
I got panicked this week. Thought I was going to have a mini anxiety attack thinking that I am going to be face to face with clients in less then 5 months. Doesn't this seem early? I am still so green! So inexperienced. So lame-o.
I asked my professor for a teacher-student conference. Thought they should give us some feedback about our readiness for the therapeutic environment. My professor laughed. He thought I needed to live in my anxiety, not worry so much and practice coping and soothing.
This seems cruel and hateful. Do they really want us to SUCK? Cause that is what I feel like I am being set up to do, SUCK!
There are multiple places for us to commit to serving for our internships. I could head to the jail and work with the various felons and criminals there. The word on the street is you always get your hours there. As opposed to some of the other private sector sites that have a tendency to cancel appointments and blow you off. The jail is always a sure thing.
We can work in a battered women's shelter, a place that works with grieving children and their parents, or even a church. I am really interested in stepping out of my familiar route and pressing into a place that is uncomfortable and yicky. I am considering one of the group situations that work with sexual offenders. This would not be pretty or anything that I would want to do long term but I think it would press me beyond my limits. I think I need that. If I am ever going to be exposed to that sort of thing, may as well be now.
Who knows where I will be placed. All I do know is I have to pull together my resume this weekend. How exciting is that? I wonder if I need to include something unique to qualify me to work with the "special" felon population. Do you think being married to an adult juvenile delinquent will qualify me?
He was the guy that tried to steal radar detectors out of police cars in high school. He and his friends used to roll smoke bombs into the fire station garage. They also trashed a golf course by driving the carts into the lake and four wheeling through most of the grounds. You know, once he started dating me, it all ended for him. Appears as if I have some experience with rehab so maybe I should include that in my resume, huh?
This little placement fair will be the first exposure we as a class have to potential facilities we can serve for our internship. Did I mention we need 500 clinical hours to graduate?
I got panicked this week. Thought I was going to have a mini anxiety attack thinking that I am going to be face to face with clients in less then 5 months. Doesn't this seem early? I am still so green! So inexperienced. So lame-o.
I asked my professor for a teacher-student conference. Thought they should give us some feedback about our readiness for the therapeutic environment. My professor laughed. He thought I needed to live in my anxiety, not worry so much and practice coping and soothing.
This seems cruel and hateful. Do they really want us to SUCK? Cause that is what I feel like I am being set up to do, SUCK!
There are multiple places for us to commit to serving for our internships. I could head to the jail and work with the various felons and criminals there. The word on the street is you always get your hours there. As opposed to some of the other private sector sites that have a tendency to cancel appointments and blow you off. The jail is always a sure thing.
We can work in a battered women's shelter, a place that works with grieving children and their parents, or even a church. I am really interested in stepping out of my familiar route and pressing into a place that is uncomfortable and yicky. I am considering one of the group situations that work with sexual offenders. This would not be pretty or anything that I would want to do long term but I think it would press me beyond my limits. I think I need that. If I am ever going to be exposed to that sort of thing, may as well be now.
Who knows where I will be placed. All I do know is I have to pull together my resume this weekend. How exciting is that? I wonder if I need to include something unique to qualify me to work with the "special" felon population. Do you think being married to an adult juvenile delinquent will qualify me?
He was the guy that tried to steal radar detectors out of police cars in high school. He and his friends used to roll smoke bombs into the fire station garage. They also trashed a golf course by driving the carts into the lake and four wheeling through most of the grounds. You know, once he started dating me, it all ended for him. Appears as if I have some experience with rehab so maybe I should include that in my resume, huh?
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