A bit about my journey

I want to blog today. I really don't have time. I feel like I never have time and yet this is really about me vomiting my heart and if that is the case I should not think about it, I should just do it and release it and not think about if it is grammatically correct or if some random reader should get a hold of it and put some sort of judgement on me or my content so today...I am just dumping. No filter. No prettiness, just release.
I feel like I have a ton to get off my chest. I have this crazy school paper I am working on that is all about my transformative journey thus far. It is supposed to reflect where I think I am in the growth process. Growth is not a quick easy thing to measure. Unless we are taking size and that one is not really going to be addressed on this site. I am not going there. Internal, heart, life-changing growth...that is the stuff this paper is supposed to be made of.
When was the last time you thought about your own growth? How you are changing, developing, becoming a different person....through your circumstances, your interactions, your experiences, your friendships, your family...the word of God or whatever religious lens you use...isn't this an interesting thought???
I have really been unraveling it. It is kinda scary to consider growth in your life. What if there is no growth? What if I am standing here in my 43 year of existence and I am not really developing into the person I would have dreamed becoming? The kind of person I am glad to wake up and be every single day?? What if I don't really like what is becoming me?
I think this would be when I would start to do a lot of plastic surgery, look for a some "things" to begin to fill my life and make me "feel" better about this lack of being content with myself. ( Another term for this may be: Mid life crisis.)
Thankfully, I feel peace about the very imperfect process I am in to become the best version of me I can be. I am grateful to be in a relationship with the author and perfector of my faith who pours out graciously His undying mercy and acceptance of me and for me. This hope is really the confidence I have that is okay to suck. To not be all the things I had wished and wanted and dreamed of becoming and that I am exactly in the place He knew I would be and He is exactly at work in making me become the woman He exacted me to become and I really am okay.
I like the fact that today I am giving myself a break and recognizing that I do not have all my poop in a group. That I am very self-centered, egotistical and vain. I am confident that I have a lot of different pieces of me that like to shield this ugliness and pretty myself up and pretend that it is all good but ultimately, it isn't. I am good with that.
I am good with the fact that I am not going to be perfect this side of heaven and I can work hard and try a ton but it is all for nothing.
Ultimately, I must rest with the confidence that even with all these nasty pieces of me there is some really good stuff in there too. I am honest. I like being transparent. I am glad I can see myself with my imperfections and that I am not trying to live this covert life of inauthenticity.
I love that I ultimately have a redeemer and a hope.
I love that I am going to get the privilege of walking with other people through their seasons of evaluation and self-examination. I love that I am going to understand what it feels like to dig in and not necessarily love everything I see. I am grateful for this season to see that ways that despite my imperfections I have hope. I have confidence in my purpose. I am grateful for a Savior that sees me and adores me and accepts me.
I pray for wisdom to lovingly encourage others who walk their journey without that hope and without that assurance. Today I recognize the enormity of being with people in process and I am humbled and afraid. I alone have nothing to offer another. I am equally as desperate and equally as broken.
I have a long way ahead of me on this journey.....but today I am thankful.