Here's gambling on a great New Year!!

I have a secret. I love to gamble.


Yeah, that isn't something I advertise. In fact, I am not all that proud of it. I began my little relationship playing the odds back on my honeymoon when my husband gave me 20$ to shoot on the slot machines.


Well, you guessed it. I hit a couple of winners and now 20 years later, I still wanna win. I will confess right now that this little hobby is NOT one that interferes in my financial portfolio. In fact, I rarely feed the fire. My father was borderline addicted to the boats which left a pretty sour taste in my mouth. So, I am not one to allow the games of chance too much opportunity in my life. I know myself well enough to know I could get addicted in the same way as my father.


This shot was taken after putting 7$ in a machine and winning 87$. It was a nickel machine and I played for nearly an hour; which was the perfect amount of time to hit a few sevens, hear the machine alarm and feel my adrenaline pumping. I am not addicted to losing money. So, with the small margin of profit I quickly closed down my machine and took the money and ran. Yea! I am a big gambler.

I would like to win more. Wisely though, I am not about to spend anymore money on silly slot machines. My once a year itch has been scratched and I am good for another 12 months or so.

It does make me think about life and the gambles we take every year. I am imagining this school endeavor to be a big gamble for our family. We are pouring out a lot of cash and rolling the dice on a career choice for me that may or may not pan out.

We are gambling on our parenting skills and the way we are raising up our children. We are now entering into the fruit bearing season where we will actually see if our offspring have benefited or learned anything in our homes.

We are at the stage where we regularly gamble with our lives as our 14 yr. old is learning how to drive. This is a high-stakes adventure as he is still very new to managing a vehicle. I am often afraid.

I know that the risk and adventure and fun involved in the slot machine is really masking the fear of losing it all. I catch myself rationalizing and manipulating my mind to let it be "OK" to lose money so carelessly.

I think this is what I do with the other frightening things in my life. I mask them and cover them and repackage them to let them be manageable and livable and "OK". When in reality, the pee is dripping down my leg and I am petrified and nervous and afraid.

AND excited and hopeful and interested and curious. I think that is what gambling does to us. It somehow makes you think you may have a chance and without a chance wouldn't we just give up altogether?

So, this year is another gamble. It is a risk to step out and try new things. Look in the unexpected places for newness and hope. I even think that is what this blog thing is about for me. It is risky to put myself out here. I don't even know who reads this silly thing and honestly, it is OK. I am good.

I am ready to plop down more this year. Maybe the stakes will be even higher. Maybe I will dig deeper and find more about myself, my expectations, my flaws. Maybe I will grow and be changed and be open and transform.

I am betting I do. I am praying the same for you.

Post Christmas thoughts...

Good grief it has been forever since I have posted an entry here! I must confess I have written many and they remain in the drafts pile. I don't feel very articulate these days. Maybe it is because I recently took my brain age on one of the kids DS games and learned that I am only using 8% of my noggin. My son tried to make me feel better by telling me that the game purposely scores you low so you have something to improve on. This did not make me feel any better.

I have yanked down the Christmas tree and cleaned up most of the festive decor in hopes of restoring some level of order back into the home. I am listening to my 7 yr.old daughter sing Dead or Alive with her brothers pounding the drum and guitar to Rock Band. I think this may have been disturbing to me if my first born would've attempted this activity at the same age. I would've felt the lyrics would have manipulated his heart into a ball of hate and disdain and perhaps even led him down a path of evil and corruption. Today I think it is precious that my three children can bond over a silly game and enjoy each others company. I tried to creatively work out the lyric issue by singing my own lyrics instead of the questionable ones in hopes that the children would follow suit and just hum or sing doo's and dah's instead...not sure it will be a popular choice for them. At least they like each other enough that they can play together. I like that.

I feel like I am just now coming down from my sugar high. I cannot believe the unabandoned fury in which I ingested sugar this week. My aunt always brings a giant chocolate sheet cake to our normal celebration and I feel confident that a quarter of it ended up shoved into my piehole. What the heck is that about? Yuck. I am glad the sugar is gone.

I am glad the purchasing is over. I am glad the gifts are put away. I am thankful that the house is relatively quiet and the kids are happy and the year is wrapping up and I am done with school for a couple of weeks. Deep breath in and big exhale out. Life is good. Yes, life is very, very good.

Big day!

Guess who is starting therapy today??
It's me! It's me.
Yeah, I will be the client today. I found out that the other counseling school in town works a trade off for the students. You can attend the other schools counseling center for $5 a session. I thought this would be a wise move for me. I believe the best way I can offer any support or encouragement for someone else is to first consider what business I need to attend to in my own life. Makes sense.
So today in the middle of the most hectic season ever I will take a time out and begin to unravel my soul to a stranger. A possible young student stranger. A therapist that is in training. fun, huh?
I have come to believe that I can learn something from everyone and anyone. Today I get the opportunity to live it out.
I don't really have time for therapy. I am trying to get out of town on Sunday morning for a week long trip with my husband. (This is his move to celebrate our 20th anniversary! I would never have picked December...but ???) I have a giant family history paper due before I leave. I am trying to get my Christmas crud purchased, put out, organized, wrapped, mailed, etc. This is kind of a nightmare. So, let me take a minute to blog about it!
I think this therapeutic window in my life is one that will eventually pay off ten fold. Won't it be helpful to realize all my nasty business before I begin trying to help others through theirs in just 4 months? I say YES.
In fact, the more I have opportunity to gaze into the world of my own upbringing, history and life, the more I am convinced this is beautiful. What a gift to have this window of exposure and revelation at the half way point in my life. I feel like it such the hand of God, gifting me this time to learn about myself and to make adjustments and tweaks and changes. None of this would be happening if I didn't choose to quit my job and head back to school. I know that God is pushing me to examine the pieces of me and see where He can have more room in my life. He is challenging me to lay it all before Him. I believe the therapy window is really the confession booth for me to say outloud what I have been holding to myself and allowing room to fester and manifest in ways that may not be so healthy or beneficial to me or my family.
I am looking forward to today with expectancy. I look forward today with readiness that this is all about sifting and combing through the pieces of me that need to be refined and reshaped and reconsidered.
I highly suspect this will not be a fun experience. From what I know, most growth opportunities are not all that fun. We will see! I can't wait to find out who my therapist is!
What does it say about me if I hope she is over the age of 22? See, I do have issues. I am already trying to control my session!! I need a lot of help!! This is going to be a long process.